I feel NAKED....

Some day's I think about taking every single pill I have to sleep and never wake up.
Some day's I love life and couldn't imagine missing out on the blessings I've been given.
Some day's I'm hell on wheels spitting fire in need of holy water.
Some day's I find peace and calm in everything.
You may be shocked by that first line but mental illness is real.

Having a mental illness is something I've always dealt with as far back as I can remember. I just didn't know what to call it. When I was 14 I attempted to slit my wrists but my Mother, she saved me. Thank you, Momma! For years the doctors have been throwing me on the newest depression medication just hoping it will work to shut me up. When my shrink lady first told me I was bi-polar among my other issues I kinda already knew and she threw me on some more pills which started to work... But, that didn't last long. It never does. I can't even remember how many medications I've been on to be honest. Every 6 months to a year my doctors switch my medications up.
I guess when you're on a million different types of medications daily they have to figure out what can go with what ect, so they don't defeat the purpose and kill you LOL

Doctors and medication are no strangers to me. I spent my first birthday in a hospital room hooked up to machines. I was always sick then too, my immune system is an ass hole. I have memory issues, I'm on the road to full blown dementia. I'm not prepared but I'm trying to be(I still have many many years). When I was 6 or 7 I was diagnosed with short term memory loss, social anxiety aka learning disability and a social reject. I'm sure you can imagine how that went growing up. I've spent every waking moment fighting for my life in some way, shape or form since the moment I was born. It only got worse as I grew up. I deal with constant pain in every cell of my body thanks to fibromyalgia 

and a small case of leg length discrepancy which is one thing among others that has lead to my weight being out of control.. when I tell you it hurts to move my ass ***IT HURTS TO MOVE MY ASS***..... literally horrific pain most days and on the days I'm actually able to be pushed to move more then normal, it takes at least 3 days to recover... My stomach is eaten with ulcers and add the IBS to the gastric mix... it's pretty much FML...haha

But, the extreme social anxiety and manic depression hurt even more then any physical pain ever could. There are days when I get so deep down in the thickness of sorrow I feel like I'm drowning, gasping for air, clinging on to my life and I don't know why? Nothing that I recall really triggers it. It just comes in like a sneaky snake and grabs me pulling me in every direction.. I literally have to fight my own mind But as you can see I'm still here WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER LOL

When I was 12yr old my Granny Sharon passed away(she was more like a mother to me since my momma was so young) not to long after I was sexually assaulted the first time(I have yet to talk about that here with you). Then my Daddy left our family for another... I think those 3 events took place with in a years time. Grew up learning to heal, always learning to heal...
I lost my Daddy all over again to suicide in 06' if you never read his story you can here I remember... I refuse to do that to my daughters, I will fight this fight every single day, I am my daughters protector and they need me.
My first and only son died in 2010 his story can be found here Junior's Story.
2013 my marriage ended.

On social media's I may seem like one of those typical braggarting, smiling all the time asshole mom's who post to much and talk in comments to much and to often but in reality land I'm awkward and hard to get to know. I wont really talk to you much and you most likely wont talk to me because of my bitch face and defensive stance. The whole time in my head I'm screaming "I WANT TO GO HOME" while searching for the nearest exit and coming up with a good excuse to leave the situation because I just know you are all making fun of me secretly and judging me and some of you might actually want to physically harm me. I also have times where I cause myself to become angry and snap. I start yelling and making a fool of myself.... But I guess that's what comes with being bipolar, you never know how your going to feel or act from one second to the next...Ridiculous right? Yup.. But that's what happens when I leave the house, I have to be pumped up and motivated (or dragged whatever LOL) to do so.

The last couple years have been a little easier for me as my daughters and my best friend Shi motivate me. But it's still a huge struggle I deal with.
With that being said. I have not posted on my blog site in over 4 years. 5 years ago my marriage ended. The life I knew was over and our family was devastated. It took me some time to get where I am now. No it did not take me 5 years to get over my ex husband but it took a few years to get over the fact the life I struggled to create was not going to be my life. We have not seen my ex husband/father of the girls in 5 years, I solely take care of these girls physically and financially. Some may wonder if I will post a lot of ranting blogs about him and his absence and him not helping financially but I can assure you I rarely talk about him at this point but I know some of you are wondering what happen with our marriage, so I'm sure we will go there LOL The only thing I ever do mention is that I wish a birthday card was sent to the girls from him at the very least.   In the last 5 years I had a chance to do a little growing(still have lots more to do) I had some time to discover things that I as a person enjoy and now I'm back here, hoping you will join me in my new epic journey of discovering more about myself.. I'm now a single mother raising two amazing daughters with the help of my family and my best friend.

So yeah that's a little information I would like to share with you all to start with so you can have a glimpse of what I may talk about. I also do product reviews, giveaways, crafting posts, make up related posts, gaming posts I love MMO'S and more <3

I did this little "about you" thingy so I figure I should just copy and paste it here for a quick sum up of information above LOL


First thing you need to know, I'm Bi-polar as shit.

I'm ADD as it gets, I'm a gamer, one of those wonky crafty people and a Mom.
 
The name is Sharon in RL, but I go by Shay as well.


Do I have any super powers?

My brain is mush and I have sloth like abilities.

Instead of one foot dragging, I drag ass, haha.

I hate to do ANYTHING, dishes they can wait, vacuum maybe next month, dust forget about it!


Young at heart, or an old soul?

I'm a tortured soul!


Memorable highlight, just off the top of my head?

My littlest one shit glitter, which was frickin' spectacular, cause I think she may have caught my awesomeness!


How long have you been blogging?
A couple years.  I'm  not an expert blogger BUT I've done pretty well in my opinion :)

Got an award for some Parenting Blog of the Year thingy once as well as being a rank 2 with Google within my first 6 months and partnered with companies such as Sony, Nickelodeon, AT&T and more!


Where do you live?
Florida.


Age?
30ish something.


Hair color?
I have hair awesomeness issues, I change it often so it depends on what month it is..


Eye color? 
Blue/Green and BIG!


Height?5,9 "My you're a tall one" :)


Weight? 
Pft...   /cast Smite Smite Smite.....( If you don't know I'm a big time World of Warcraft gamer, I main a Priest) :)


Date of birth?
JULY the bestest month ever :)


Star sign?
I'm a Cancer bitches!!

Fav color?
 Duh, PURPLE :)

 Hobbies? 
YES, I'm a Gamer, Crafter, Play mate(for my girls LOL) and A SELFIE TAKER :)


This post is really really long so I'm gonna end it for now if there is anything else you wanna know about me, feel free to ask :)
 

                                                             

I remember.....

As far back as I can remember my dad was awesome. I was the first of three "daddy's girls".
I remember when my dad would come home from work, he trained us girls to "boot race" first one to remove his boot was the WINNER! He was fun and goofy, he loved spending time with us doing anything and everything. He was a good dad, a GREAT dad.
I remember thinking my dad was so handsome and I wanted to marry my dad, he had sun bleached blond wavy hair and sea foam blue eyes, his arms were strong and I loved for him to hold me, we always visited my grandparents on the weekend and for some reason he liked to leave early in the morning before light, I remember pretending to still be asleep so he would carry me to the car wrapped up in my blanket. In my eye's he was strong, he was God like, he was my DAD!
I remember being scared to death of the dark, I would sneak into my Mom and Dad's room to sleep, eventually I got to big to sleep in the same bed so I would sneak in their room and sleep on the floor at his feet actually hanging on to his feet and he let me, as long as I was touching him... I was safe.
He was a volunteer firefighter at our local fire station..he was brave.
He drove a big cement truck for a living and I remember riding the bus home from school I would see his big truck drive past to turn in to the cement plant every single day, he would flash his light on and off, on and off and hang out his window waving to the bus. I looked forward to that after school everyday!
He took us fishing in his camouflage john boat, I helped him clean his AK-47 I was scared to death of it.
There were about 13 or so kids that hung out at our house, he would involve ALL of us in doing whatever he was doing, he was building a big add on to the house, all of us with hammers in hand pounding at nails, measuring wood, grabbing tools he needed,ect....he was involved.
Thursdays were payday, when he got off work he wanted us to be ready for when he got home so he could shower get dressed and run out the door. That was our family night which I remember mostly being pay bills, dinner at the pizza place and then Walmart to shop for what we needed and for our weekly get something we WANTED!
We were always doing something FUN!
He loved us...
He was a good dad.

So when he left it was a major shock. I was 12. I remember him actually walking out the door and hearing my mom cry. I woke up, walked in the living room and seen a brief piece of him quickly walking out the door. I remember slowly walking down the hall way to their room. I didn't understand why mom was crying. I remember her telling me to come to her. She held me and we cried.

I was devastated..WE we're devastated.

He showed up one night wanting to visit with us. I remember my mom was frying chicken and I begged him to stay for dinner, he told me it was up to my mom so I ran in the house fast as lightning and begged her to let dad stay for dinner, she said yes and we ate. I was so happy it was like it use to be, the world was right again. But, it wasn't... not long after he ate he said he had to go and I was devastated again. I don't know why I thought fried chicken would make him stay.
Most of this time frame is a blur. I remember when he finally wanted to keep us for a night, he told us that we we're going to a friends house we're he was staying, I assumed this friend was a man but i was wrong. she was his girlfriend that he has been seeing along with her 2 children. My mother had to send blankets and a portable heater with us because there was no heat nor extra bedding. I thought we we're going to spend time with dad. Soon as we got there we sat on the couch with his girl friends 2 child while he and the girlfriend spent most of the time in their bedroom. That was our first experience having a visit with our dad. Everything after this point is pretty much a big fat blur with pieces and bits of memories, we didn't see him often after that. The dad that we knew was gone.
My mother pointed out to me he tried to do right in the beginning, but at some point he disappeared for about 6 months.
At one point he tried to get custody of us girls, he said some pretty evil things about our family, told so many lies about my mother. I'm assuming that paying child support was to much for them. That's my theory!
Drugs and alcohol really do change people.
I'm not going to list by list things that happen over the years, just know things at that point would never be then same.

Lot's of in between and here and there's went on for years. My dad had away about him, he could make anyone feel so sorry for him. As angry as i was at him I loved him just as much, i yearned for him, i would have done anything, said anything to just have those special moments we had when he was my dad again. when i got to my teen years i started visiting him more. I got away with anything. I wasn't supervised. I could do the things i couldn't do being at my moms house. I could go hang out all night with guys running around being free and ignorant!! I moved in with him a couple times through out my teens. Dad and i had a connection together with video games, he and i would stay up all night just playing, talking, drinking coffee and i would be in daddy heaven, those are the later year memories i hold on to so dear.

My dad started to have serious mental issues in the last few years of his life. when I was 21 I watched him attempt suicide after one of the many times he and his wife(which is the girl friend he left our family for) broke up, I had him baker acted, the next day his wife came to get him out.  I'm not even sure how many times suicide was attempted between the two of them.
I tried to get him the help he needed. after that it was awhile before I seen him again.
More blurred up memories....
I remember he was there for the birth of my first child Katherine. I remember him being so scared and shaking but he held her, he looked just a fragile as she did, weakly and pail.
Not long after I gave birth I was hospitalize for emergency gallbladder removal, he came to visit me, he was happy. It was weird seeing him happy! He reached in to his pocket and pulled out this shiny coin to show me, he had the biggest goofy HAPPY smile on his face, he was proud! It was his 1st AA chip.
In September 06 my husband, daughter and I went to dad's for 2 months and stayed in his RV. It was awesome at first till the evil started, He got wasted and I mean ubber wasted one night when I was at my moms house visiting, he called me around 2am screaming at me telling me that he wished he would have never brought me back in to his life and he regret me, he told me to not have any more babies, don't bring any more innocent children in this evil world. I was beyond hurt and I could not have my child in that type of environment so we left.

After we left I started getting more frequent random phone calls from him, 2am 3am 4am phone calls. He would be crying and explaining to me how he fucked everyone's life up and apologized numerous times. These type of phone call were normal about once a year. but, he was calling me almost daily.
I never really knew what to say to him, so I would be easy on him and tell him it was OK, that we loved him regardless, which was the truth we did and do love him.

On November 24th 2006 he called me 12 times through out the day just to say he loved us and missed us. My sisters we're having a birthday party that weekend and he wanted to go to it. I spoke to my sisters about him coming and we all agreed it would be a bad situation for him to come to as there would be LOTS of alcoholic beverages. We didn't want him temped, so I told him it wouldn't be a good idea, that we should make plans for him to visit another day. He sounded so sad as he said OK.
A few hours later he called me again as I was getting my daughter out of the car and I was pretty aggravated at him for calling and calling. I didn't answer.
By the time I got in the house there were 3 or 4 missed calls from him. He called again, I answered. He was wasted, crying.......
He told me he was so sorry he ruined everything, he said he was drunk and took some pills that his wife gave him.
He continued telling me how awful a father he has been and he was so ashamed of how he treated his baby girls and our mother, he had told me numerous times how he made a mistake leaving my mom and that he still loved her and wished he could have his family back.
He told me he was so miserable. To which I kept replying that it was Ok, I told him that he needed to take a shower, lay down, sleep it off and tomorrow is a new day, you can start over fresh!!
He told me that i didn't understand,  he said no one understands......
I begged him to go to sleep, tomorrow will be a new day.
He said he would and he sounded Ok at that point.
He told me he loved me and wanted me to tell my sister's he loved them as well.
We said our goodbyes......

An hours or so later I was standing in the kitchen frying chicken when the phone rang, it was my step sister...
All she said was my name and her voice was trembling she said "Your dad" and that was all she had to say...
I dropped the phone and I just remember screaming at her No, No, No you're lying. I remember being so weak I fell to the ground.
My EX-husband came running in and grabbed the phone, he spoke with her. He tried to calm me.
I remember him calling my mom, then I remember standing in the front yard with my mom and 2 sisters all in a bundle of knotted arms and tears....

I called his cell phone later that night.
The first of many calls to hear his voice....

                                              I remember...
                                              He was my Dad...
                                              He tried to be a good Dad...
                                              He loved us....

                               http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.